


Holding Onto Daydreams

by walrusluvr



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Aromantic, Aromantic!Dan, Asexual Character, Asexual!Dan, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-11-04 18:33:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10996581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/walrusluvr/pseuds/walrusluvr
Summary: Dan and Phil were best friends. If only that had been enough. (a letter from Dan to Phil)





	Holding Onto Daydreams

Hi Phil,

I know you told me never to contact you again, but I just need to explain myself. I really hope that this is your address; PJ gave it to me last week when I ran into him at Tim’s Coffee. I was actually hoping to run into you so I could give this to you in person, but I guess you don’t have a reason to be in Reading anymore. 

Phil, I never meant to lead you on. I really, really didn’t. You are the last person I would ever try to hurt. Being with you made me the happiest I’ve ever been, and I’m so sorry that it had to end the way that it did. I thought what we had was perfect, but I guess that was just me. In the glory of it all, I never took a step back to see that we weren’t on the same page. It seems I’m rarely on the same page as anyone anymore.

That day you said you felt blindsided by me. I’ve been thinking a lot about that. I felt pretty blindsided that day too, but I probably should have seen it coming. The thing is, I’ve never been very good at reading people. Even while it was happening it took me a while to catch on. Luckily I’ve had 18 years of experience playing catch-up, and I’ve become pretty good at it by now. So after taking a step back here’s what I know: I know that you were probably in love with me. I know that you were about to achieve your happy ending. I know that you got cheated out of it at the last second. But Phil, I was cheated too.

You probably believe that you are the victim of this story, but I’m hurting too. Phil, you lost something that was never yours to begin with. I’m sorry if I sound insensitive, but it was just a dream. What I had was perfect and it was mine. I couldn’t dream up anything better if I tried, and believe me I have. It was just that finally―finally―I was happy. They say that the higher you rise, the harder you fall, and God Phil, you raised me up. 

That day started out so perfectly. I’ve run through the events over and over and over again in my head, trying to figure out exactly where it all went wrong. I could blame it on the movie theater; If they hadn’t given our seats away to someone else, then we never would have gone on that walk. I could blame it on the weather; If it hadn’t started raining we wouldn’t have had to run for cover under that bridge. Finally, Phil, I could blame it on you; If it weren’t for that stupid kiss our friendship wouldn’t be ruined. But ultimately I know that it is my fault. If only I could have reciprocated your feelings, then you wouldn’t have gotten so angry. Right now we could be living our happy life together, but instead we are both alone.

You asked me that day, “What is wrong with you?”. I’ve often wondered that about myself, but this is the first time I actually tried to figure it out. Well, apparently, nothing is wrong with me. I did some research and it turns out I’m part of a lucky 1% of the population that is asexual―meaning I am not sexually attracted to anyone. Oh, and on top of that I’m aromantic, so I don’t feel romantically attracted to anyone either. So basically, I’m doomed to be alone forever. But hey! At least there are others who share my fate! All jokes aside, I am glad to have finally figured myself out. I’m just sorry it took losing you for it to happen. 

You also asked me that day if I loved you. I told you no. But Phil, It's not true. I did love you. God, I still love you―I really do. It's just not in the way that you needed. I swear Phil, I tried. I would lie in bed just willing myself to feel the same things that you felt, but it just never happened. Whoever said ‘if there’s a will, there’s a way’ has a cruel sense of humor. The harder I tried, the emptier I felt. How inadequate must I be if I can’t even feel the most basic of human emotions? 

Phil, It’s not fair. Who’s to say that romantic love is better than platonic love? That it’s stronger? Well, I’ve never felt romantic love so maybe I’m wrong, but I’ve always believed that love is love―no matter what form it takes. I guess that’s not how it works in real life.

The six months I spent being your friend was the most fun I’ve ever had. You are the best person I’ve ever met, and It was a true honor. After all this I can’t bring myself to be upset at you for what happened. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t forgive you? One thing I can’t do is forget. I will never forget you Phil. I hope you never forget me. And I hope you find what you are looking for someday. You deserve all the happiness in the world―even if it can’t be with me.

I don’t know the next time that I will see you, or if I ever even will again. I have this daydream of us meeting again, long into the future. You are married and happy, and I have my house with a library, and we are just together and content. Maybe we are at Tim’s where we reminisce about all the memories we shared, and catch up on all the years we missed. And maybe you invite me over for dinner to meet your husband and two daughters. And I finally know for sure that you got what you wanted. 

So Phil, if I could make one request, I guess it would be to remember me fondly. Cause I just know that you are going to find someone someday that will love you like I never could. But just promise to keep me in your heart. And I can promise you, that until we meet again, if we ever do, I’ll hold onto my daydream.

-Dan

**Author's Note:**

> Hi this is my first fic! Sorry for being so melodramatic. Hope you didn't hate it :) Feel free to leave criticism.


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